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The Snowpocalypse

I panicked holding raw meat.

A few days ago, what seems like an ice age ago [ba-dum-bum], New York was facing a Snowpocalypse. Now, when it comes to these things, I don't scare easily. Not only was I born in the winter, but I was also given gutter runoff ice cycles to suck on as an infant. Nature's pacifier. This blizzard would be child's play. But Mayor de Blasio didn't think so. He said (and I paraphrase), "hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife, 'cuz Juno's gonna get you."

My friends were panicking, but they were Southern. What did they know anyway? Maybe I'd yield to advice from Walt Disney, a true Chicagoan to the grave. Some may even say he's still "surviving" a blizzard. But all the plebeians, scattering around the sidewalks like cockroaches, seeking refuge from the storm? Wasn't fazed.

Wait. There's supposed to be two feet of snow? Just gotta... [running to buy all the bread and milk Manhattan has to offer]

So, I became a conformist. I held out until the last second, but I caved. I went to the neighborhood grocery store and bought the dreaded Non-Perishables. But lest I make you think otherwise, I was still calm, cool, and collected. If anything, I was doing this as a social experiment. Let's see how coo-coo puffs people get before a natural disaster. Ooo, it'll be fun! And more importantly, it will be a hit on Snapchat.

I was relatively disconnected from the chaos. Then I stood in line for a long time. And my mind started to wander...

Everything was in slow motion. And I was smiling. I was grinning slightly, shaking my head, and shrugging my shoulders playfully like, "uh, what a crazy world we live in." Look at all of us in line [smiles]. Look at us. No, really look. [looks closely, gets perspective, music slowly changes to grim ballad].

We were animals, herded into checkout lines before the onslaught of snow. People were taking pictures of us. And we were going to die. Those Instagram uploads would be the last documentation of miserable existences. I held my ground beef closer to my chest. In that moment, I felt more united with that piece of beef than ever before. We had once been cattle and now we were lifeless pieces of meat. Standing in that line, I had absorbed everyone's energies. I panicked because everyone else was panicking.

We feel like we have our lives together, but we don't. The shock comes when we think we're invincible- like the craziness can't touch us. Then it slaps us in the face and we get Mad Cow Disease in Fulton Market. When we acknowledge that we don't know what we're going to make for dinner, where we're going to work after college, or who we're going to be cleaning up toddler vomit with 10 years down the road, life gets simpler. We become less stressed, less prone to absorbing others' hysteria. What I learned in that moment of panic was this: I need to try Draft Beef Jelly Bellies (Out of curiosity- they were at the checkout.) But also, I realized I needed to be honest with myself. Yes, I was about to brave a blizzard. But no, I wasn't going to die a popsicle on the edge of the Hudson River. Be at peace knowing some things are out of your control, like your hair in thick humidity. But most importantly, Keep Calm and Chive On (KCCO).

P.S. - Called it on the Snowpocalypse. Total bust.

P.P.S - Still had two days off work/school. Gracias, de Blasio. Your overreacting paid dividends.


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